Do you have the personality of a 2x4? Do you start every conversation about beer with “I really like IPAs?” Do you ask to speak to the manager before you place your order at Starbucks?
Are you part of a neighborhood Facebook page where you remind other people to mow their lawns? If you can say yes to any of these things, then you’re probably a terrible, milquetoast, annoying, self-righteous, vapid, uncultured, and uninteresting person.
Fortunately, there are some excellent new cars out there that have even less personality than you do — and there’s one for every budget! Here’s our official list of the top 5 new cars for people that you just want to punch.
5. Porsche 911 Carrera
What’s the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? A Porsche has its pricks on the inside.
In all seriousness, quite a few Porsche owners are genuine pricks—but that’s a shame because the 911 has always been an excellent driver’s car, and it sucks that genuine enthusiasts who love actually driving these cars look like complete douchebags because of the golf club crowd.
So how do you drive a 911 without looking like a Prince Albert? Well, there are two easy steps you can follow: #1 don’t buy a convertible, #2 don’t buy an automatic. Why? Because while it is still a great driver’s car — a 911 convertible with an automatic is basically Rogaine with a tailpipe.
4. Toyota Prius
Back in 2003, when these things really became popular, the Prius WAS the most eco-friendly option out there for people who care about turtles and use hemp shampoo. That was 17 years ago.
It’s 2020, and the truth is that the Prius simply isn’t as eco as many of its electric competitors, cars which now have competitive range and are price competitive with hybrids. So who’s buying Priuses in 2020? Pussies. That’s who.
The Prius is now just another car for people who are self-righteous enough to say something belittling to you in line at Whole Foods when you forget your reusable bag—but are too chicken-shit about range anxiety to buy a Nissan Leaf.
I know several people who own electric cars, and they’re super happy with them…I guarantee you don’t drive 200 miles in a day to and from reiki. So it’s official: Priuses are no longer for zealots, they’re for cowards. Also, yes, I shop at Whole Foods; they have good salmon. Get over it.
3. Jeep Grand Cherokee
Ahh yes…The frat wagon. I don’t think this is a nationwide thing, but where I live, these things are exclusively driven by the Natty Lights of people. Every fraternity and sorority parking lot is packed to the brim with these things—it’s ubiquitous enough that I would wager it’s the yuppie-mobile of the decade.
I have resolved to never invite Grand Cherokee owners over for dinner because they can’t hold a conversation if it’s not about college basketball or “a great investment opportunity.” Don’t get me wrong; the Cherokee is actually an incredibly capable car; it’s just driven by the most basic bitch, boring, boat shoe wearing people I’ve ever met.
If your entire closet is full of striped golf shirts and your favorite song is “Sicko Mode”—this is the SUV for you.
*Addendum - All of us at JM love older Grand Cherokees; it’s just the latest generation of the frat wagon that we can’t stand.
**Editor’s Note- Speak for yourself, Clarke.
2. Mercedes-Benz A220
Buying one of these is the automotive equivalent of buying Gucci belt on a fucking payment plan. The only people I actually know who buy these things are leasing agents for large luxury condo complexes. This vulgarly aspirational shitbox is small, cramped, underpowered, underbuilt, and overpriced.
I guarantee 95% of them are leased. The only statement buying this car makes: “I know I can’t afford an actual Mercedes, but I need you to think that I can.” This kind of social climbing “hustle” nonsense is downright tacky—so do yourself a favor and just buy a VW Golf instead.
We are a long, long way from the days when Mercedes actually made a quality base-level model—don’t waste your hustle money on an
A-Class. Put the price difference in your IRA account…you’re going to need it.
1. Nissan Armada
Comrade Karen, your car has arrived. The Nissan Armada is shockingly, horrifically, and criminally bland—to the point where my brain actually hurts thinking about it. Armada drivers do not care who you are—THEY will be the first to leave the parking lot at the tri-county junior AA round-robin hockey tournament.
If Armada drivers could get “live, laugh, love” embroidered on the seats at the factory, they would. The only defining attribute of this car is its size, and there are SO many SUVs out there that do better than the Armada; the only reason to buy one is that you can’t afford a Suburban.
The design is also ancient, so you’re not paying for modernity or good R&D. This truly is a pointless car for pointless people who will ONLY speak to the manager. The Armada is costume jewelry on four wheels, it’s a McMansion with seat belts…and it’s just so fucking ugly.
If you buy one of these, you’re just proving to the rest of the world you have no taste, no realistic expectation of how much shit you need to haul, and not enough in the bank to buy an actual luxury SUV. If you buy one of these, I have no sympathy for you. You can just park it where the sun don’t shine.
*Addendum - All of us at JM love older Grand Cherokees; it's just the latest generation of the frat wagon that we can't stand.
**Editor's Note - Speak for yourself, Clarke.